Editor's Note: This was originally published for FANGORIA on October 10, 2003, and we're proud to share it as part of The Gingold Files.
There are a lot of bad things about House of the Dead, but the very worst moments are those that stink not of decaying flesh, but of crass commercial condescension. When the big battle between humans and zombies erupts, and the action becomes a flurry of Matrix-y freeze-frames and 360-degree pans backed by a pounding rap song, it’s clear that the filmmakers were not attempting to create a scary or exciting setpiece but to be sure they touched on every element that might appeal to the target youth demographic. Scenes like this make House seem less like a movie than a filmed marketing plan.
For that matter, despite all its creators’ claims of faithfulness to the game, less than half the story even takes place at the titular house. And from my admittedly limited experience playing the arcade version, I don’t recall the protagonists being a bunch of charmless, brainless young people out for a rave on a deserted island. But off they go on a boat owned by Das Boot’s Jurgen Prochnow as Captain Kirk (ha ha), who is referred to by one of the kids as “the U-boat commander” (ho ho). Clint Howard turns up as his first mate, who squints, leers at one of the topless chicks and, when it comes out that their destination is “Isla del Morte,” helpfully informs that the last word is “Spanish for dead!” Lines like this are scattered throughout the script, without any apparent sense of humor or irony; later in the film, someone actually says, “It’s so quiet,” to which someone else actually responds, “Too quiet,” with nary a wink or acknowledgement of the cliché.
Much of the first 40 minutes or so are devoted to the group’s dumb hijinx or plodding around the island, intercut with flashes of the game graphics in an apparent attempt to remind the audience of why they’re watching. A harbor patrol officer named Casper (Halloween 4 and 5’s Ellie Cornell) turns up to follow Kirk and the kids to the island, and more pointedly to contribute to Kirk’s arsenal when the ghouls attack and the gang need to defend themselves. Up to this point, the youths have been pretty hopeless and helpless, but once they get weapons in their hands they suddenly start fighting like trained Navy SEALs, eventually making it to the creepy, moss-covered title dwelling and holing up there to recover. (Question: If the film is called House of the Dead, why do the zombies largely hang around outside?)
After some fruitless and ill-conceived attempts to get us to care about these fools, there’s a bit of exposition about where the ghouls might have come from—something to do with an evil Spanish priest who, centuries ago, hijacked a galleon en route from Spain to the New World (and somehow wound up settling on this island off the coast of Seattle). The ghouls attack again and one by one the youths get picked off, which might have led to a bit of suspense if the protagonist Rudy (Jonathan Cherry) hadn’t told us in his opening voiceover narration that everyone but him would wind up dead. He also mentions in the first few minutes that his girlfriend Alicia (Ona Grauer) recently split with him to devote more time to fencing; ya think maybe by the end, she’ll pick up a sword and wield it against an undead enemy?
On and on it goes, with Uwe Boll’s direction failing to impart any excitement to the proceedings, for all the jerky-cam photography and fast cutting. The makeup FX by Bill Terezakis and his WCT Productions are varied and gruesome enough, though the editors might have trimmed the glimpse of a shiny pink nose poking through the skull of a zombie lying on a slab. This comes shortly before the undead mastermind behind the ghoul army attacks Rudy, who, in a great leap of deduction, shouts, “You created them to make yourself immortal! Why?” “To live forever,” the villain replies. Thanks for the clarification, dude.
But the most annoying line is spoken at around the film’s midpoint by a character who knows his zombie lore, refers to George Romero’s Dead movies as “the holy trilogy” and says, “He wants to make Twilight of the Dead, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen,” or words to that effect. Great, guys—just rub in our faces the fact that Romero will probably never get the backing to continue his classic series on the big screen, while a third-rate ripoff like this is able to get into theaters nationwide thanks to its association with an established game franchise.
