How difficult is it to make a movie that pays off on the title SHARK NIGHT 3D (yes, the “3D” is actually part of that title)? OK, there are sharks in it, and about half of it takes place at night, and yes, it’s in 3D. But you’d also expect that it would be scary or funny or a little bit of both, but it’s absolutely neither.

The late Gene Siskel frequently gauged a movie’s quality with a question that has come to be known in the critical lexicon as Siskel’s Test: “Is this film more interesting than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?” A similar thought is begged by APOLLO 18, which strikes this reviewer as less interesting than a documentary about its creation would be.

THE CALLER asks the question: Can a movie centered on menacing phone calls still work in a day and age when everybody’s got cell phones with cute/whimsical ring tones, as opposed to the old days of the comparatively room-shaking bells on stationary phones? The answer is yes, when one such model is still present in an apartment the movie’s heroine moves into.

In THE LAST CIRCUS’ opening scenes, set in 1937 amidst the Spanish Civil War, a general of the Second Spanish Republic about to come face-to-face with Franco's conservative army denies a newly recruited soldier—who happens to be a clown—the ability to change outfits before battle. Decorated in a dress, requisite red nose, makeup and beard, he is told, "A clown with a machete, you'll scare the shit out of them." And so sees the amazing Alex de la Iglesia warn his audience. Rather than face us with an historical drama, he will scare and fascinate us with the ugly realities of a divided county via the melodramatic highs of a Universal Monsters film and two disfigured clowns with machetes, machine guns and bloody trumpets battling over a breathtaking acrobat and driving them all to madness and ruin in the process.

The use of Hugo’s cover of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” under the end credits of FRIGHT NIGHT at first seems incongruous; it doesn’t seem to have much to do with the movie we’ve just watched. But when you think about it, that version of the song—which waters down the original’s bite in what feels like an attempt to boost its palatability to a wider audience—fits this defanged remake perfectly.

With a built in, rabid fan base who continue to consume anything that promises fake blood and some cleavage, for independent filmmakers, horror movies are a no-brainer. The fact that first-time directors often cut their teeth replicating formulaic horror films, where graphic violence can often overshadow a poorly-written script, makes sense. Take the insufferable ZOMBIE ED, for example...

On paper, the FINAL DESTINATION series should be the gorehound’s best friend: Character and plot are scaled back in order to concentrate on what really matters—setpieces featuring the messiest deaths imaginable, cleverly staged and primed to wring squeals and cringes from a predominantly teen demographic. Still, while any FINAL DESTINATION is guaranteed to deliver loads of squishy fun, there’s a glaring lack of emotional involvement or resonance for the audience; they’re like horror’s equivalent of the JACKASS stunt movies. Now, with the fifth entry in theaters, is there reason to hope for something more substantial?