Genitals seem to make everyone a little nervous nowadays. But without getting into the politics of it all, these genitals actually should make you nervous. They are all killers. Literally. All the genitals we have found here – penises and vaginas – are all blood-thirsty and cause death and misfortune wherever they end up. So sit back, cross your legs, and don’t relax too much: these horror movies will keep you tense.
Probably the best-known of the “killer genitalia” sub-sub-genre (which I have just now created), Teeth is about a young virgin, Dawn, who discovers that she has “vagina dentata:” her vagina is lined with teeth. The vagina dentata is a common story in folklore, meant as a cautionary tale for men to prevent them from raping women. In fact, Dawn is able to have non-castration-causing sex when it is consensual. Unfortunately for Dawn, it usually isn’t. By the end of the film, she has learned how to control it and begins using sex as a weapon - literally.
Best Attack: Dawn seduces her stepbrother, who ignored Dawn’s mother’s cries for help in favor of having sex. Mom died because of this, so Dawn has sex with him, and as soon as he is castrated, she drops his penis - and his dog eats it. To be fair, when they were kids, the stepbrother lost the tip of his finger when she bit him, but “not with her mouth.” So he should have learned his lesson.
Stream Teeth on Pluto TV.
2. Someone’s Knocking At The Door
This weird little drug-soaked indie flick deals with John and Wilma Hopper, sexual sadists terrorizing some med students. Of course, John and Wilma aren’t just “regular” sexual sadists, but they have mutant genitals. So when they say they will “rape you to death,” they truly mean it. Interestingly, this may be the only movie about killer genitalia that doesn’t actually show any genitalia in the film.
Best Attack: A young med student, high on a new drug called Taldon, finds a completely naked woman at his door, there to seduce him. He allows her to, but she somehow turns into a creepy old man and, within moments, begins raping him to death. The coroner later reveals he is killed with a phallus that is fifteen inches long, four inches in diameter.
Watch Someone’s Knocking At The Door on Tubi.
In a vaguely homophobic ode to the films of Russ Meyer, James leaves college in New Orleans to spend the summer with his cranky father, Hezekiah, at the family home in the middle of a desert. Hezekiah shacks up with busty young girls, and when one disappears, he goes into town and finds a new one. If that wasn’t weird enough, Hezekiah has a strange hobby: he sculpts life-sized female figures out of meat. Naturally, when his girls show up dead, James suspects his father. But it turns out that, while in New Orleans, James went to a witch doctor for a “smooth-with-the-ladies” spell. It turns out that this spell turned James’ penis into an evil, detachable critter that uses its balls as feet.
Best Attack: Final Girl Patty is tracking the rogue penis through the desert. It rushes up her skirt and starts screwing her. Patty writhes around, enjoying the interlude – until it goes too deep. Then she is in pain. And with good reason: the penis has worked its way up through Patty’s body and slithers out her mouth.
4. Bad Biology
This underseen Frank Henenlotter gem is about a woman, Jennifer, with seven clitorises that makes her hypersexual, and a man, Bats, who is left with a malfunctioning penis after a childhood accident and overdoses on steroids and HGH to fix it. He ends up with a detachable penis with a mind of its own. While the genitalia of these two is not particularly evil (though in the final act, the penis does embark upon a rape spree), the penis does kill at least two people.
Best Attack: I guess it goes to Jennifer, who dies after being certain she saw god after Bats’ penis gave her the best orgasm of her life. If you’ve gotta go, what a way to go.
5. Soul Vengeance (aka Welcome Home Brother Charles)
This obscure, no-budget entry into blaxploitation is about a pimp who is arrested, nearly castrated by the arresting officer, and sent to prison. It is suggested that he was subject to experiments in prison. When he is released, he is determined to go straight – except for the revenge he plans against the cops, the judge, and the D.A. who put him away. Oh yeah, and he is going to kill them with his monstrous black cock. No, for real, it’s a monster: it can grow to seemingly limitless lengths (but no added girth, oddly enough) and can hypnotize white women.
Best Attack: The only time you get to actually see the appendage is when the guy goes to kill the D.A. He stands back, drops his pants, and you see the shadow of his penis grow longer and longer. Then it wraps itself around the neck of the D.A. like a thick rubber tube (as in, the props department subbed in a thick rubber tube) and strangles him dead.
Watch on Plex.
6. Tetsuo: The Iron Man
This bizarre black-and-white Japanese cult film predates both Titane and Crash (though not the novel Crash is based on). In it, an average man commits a hit-and-run accident. He and his girlfriend dump the body of the not-quite-dead man, a metal fetishist, in the woods, then have sex near his body. As some sort of twisted revenge, the metal fetishist somehow seemingly turns the motorist into an Iron Man, complete with a huge motorized drill penis.
Best Attack: The man, discovering he is more metal than man, hides from his girlfriend, ashamed. She insists it won’t bother her, but when she finally sees him, she is horrified. Her reaction angers him, and he comes at her with his drilling penis. “You want a taste of my sewage pipe?” he asks her. She finally subdues him with a knife in a gap between metal, and begins to kiss him. When he wakes, she is being drilled to death by his penis of death.
Stream Tetsuo: The Iron Man on Shudder.
7. Honorable Mention: Tromeo & Juliet
This one doesn’t really have killer genitalia, but it does have a monstrous penis. Juliet is having a dream about a muscle-bound stud (romancing her in an inflatable kiddie pool, of all things). When she reaches into his shorts, she pulls out a huge, throbbing, veiny penis… with a face, complete with gnashing, monstrous teeth. Juliet wakes from her dream just then, but no doubt that penis would have killed someone if the dream had continued.
Stream Tromeo & Juliet on Pluto TV.