9 Anti-Valentine’s Day Horror Movies To Put You Off Love For Life

If the idea of dating apps makes you want to throw your phone into the ocean, first of all, we get it. But second of all, don’t feel tempted to go to the convoluted and deadly lengths Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) does in Takashi Miike’s terrifying 1999 hit Audition.

Based on the novel of the same name by Ryu Murakami, Audition follows Shigeharu and his film producer friend, Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (Jun Kunimura), as they devise a fake television series casting call in a bid to find widower Shigeharu a wife. Shigeharu is captivated by applicant Asami Yamazaki (Eihi Shiina), but soon discovers she has a far more sinister side.

Let’s face it, we’ve all done shitty things in relationships that we’re not proud of. The worst most of us deal with post bad breakup is having our clothes thrown into the front yard, or maybe some scathing social media takedowns…But it could be worse. Burnt alive in the skin of a bear is sort of worse.

Ari Aster’s Midsommar brought this (somewhat unrealistic) fear to life, with the ailing relationship of Dani (Florence Pugh) and Christian (Jack Reynor) at its centre. While grieving a family tragedy, Dani joins distant boyfriend Christian and his friends on a trip to Sweden to visit pal Pelle (Vilhelm Blomgren) during the midsummer festival. But what begins as an idyllic retreat soon devolves into a bizarre, cultish nightmare.

High school romances can be hell, and no horror film highlights that quite as clearly as 2001’s Valentine from Jamie Blanks. It begins in 1988, when Jeremy Melton (Joel Palmer) is falsely accused of attacking fellow student Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw/Katie Logie) after they’re caught kissing behind the bleachers.

He is beaten and humiliated so badly that he is expelled and, eventually, institutionalized. In classic slasher film fashion, 13 years later, he returns to his hometown to seek vengeance on those who made his life a misery…Or is it someone else behind the mysterious killer’s mask?

So iconic and spine-chilling is Adrian Lyne’s Fatal Attraction that the term “bunny boiler” became a common phrase in our vernacular. And with good reason, given Glenn Close’s absolutely horrifying performance as scorned lover Alex Forrest. Not that we should really have to say that you should think twice about having an affair, but after seeing Fatal Attraction, you surely would

The 1987 film follows Alex, who becomes involved with married man Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas). When Dan ends the affair in favor of making things work with his family and his wife, Beth (Anne Archer), Alex goes to extreme lengths to ruin his life.

Your local lover’s lane is sure to see plenty of action this Valentine’s Day, but hopefully not the hack-and-slash variety. For that, you can watch Lover’s Lane from 1999, directed by Jon Steven Ward, starring Erin Dean, Riley Smith, Sarah Lancaster, and Anna Faris in her feature film debut.

Lover’s Lane opens with a couple being viciously murdered by Ray Hennessey (Ed Bailey), a man wielding a steel hook. Ray is caught shortly after and institutionalized, while the legend of “The Hook” begins to circulate in the town. Thirteen years later, Ray escapes the mental institution and retrieves his hook to once again reign terror on the town’s young couples.

Teeth is often just written off as “that wild horror film about a vagina with teeth”, but it’s a cathartic exploration of female power, sexuality, puberty, and a rollercoaster subversion of the rape-revenge subgenre.

The dark satirical horror film, directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein, follows Dawn O’Keefe (Jess Weixler), an abstinence advocate and high school student who discovers she has a unique genetic mutation – vagina dentata.

After being assaulted, her body uses this power to protect her, biting off the man’s penis. As she grapples with her views and sexuality as well as the trauma of the attack, Dawn begins to harness this “curse” to seek vengeance against those who wronged her.

Meeting the family can be an absolute nightmare, but being hunted for sport is probably up there when it comes to special get-togethers. Ahead of the eagerly anticipated sequel coming out this year, Ready Or Not is the perfect reminder that blood really doesn’t need to be thicker than water.

Grace’s (Samara Weaving) wedding night is far from blissful when, as part of a ritual, she has from midnight until dawn to evade her new in-laws as they hunt her down with a variety of weapons lest they die in her place.

Tempted to spice things up this Valentine’s Day? Give this Stephen King adaptation from the haunted mind of Mike Flanagan a go if so. Gerald’s Game tells the story of Jessie (Carla Gugino) and her husband Gerald (Bruce Greenwood) as they try to rekindle the spark in their marriage with a saucy getaway at an isolated cabin.

After being handcuffed to their bed, Jessie becomes uncomfortable with the fantasy, and an argument breaks out between the pair. Gerald suffers a heart attack and dies, leaving Jessie trapped and desperately seeking a way out.

No film details the breakdown of a marriage quite like Lars Von Trier’s excruciating Antichrist. Starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg as an unnamed married couple, their world is thrown into turmoil following the tragic death of their infant son. She is distraught and is hospitalised, while her psychiatrist husband attempts to treat her.

Deciding that she needs to face her trauma, he takes her to a secluded cabin where they had previously spent time as a family, which soon becomes a living nightmare.