At one point in BITTEN (coming on no-frills DVD from Vivendi July 6), a new vampire film starring Jason Mewes, the sexy Danika (a gorgeous Erica Cox) says with full conviction, “It’s like I want to f**k you and eat you at the same time.” Now I want you to take a good, long look at this quote and ask yourself one question—was this meant to be funny, or is it just bad writing?

Dan Walton, a producer on Ryan Nicholson’s GUTTERBALLS and HANGER, has been putting together his own independent horror movie BIND for a few years now. Now he tells Fango that the project is ready to go with a cast including a number of genre veterans.

As the New Mexico desert dust continues to furiously swarm the set of the Hughes Brothers’ THE BOOK OF ELI (out on DVD and Blu-ray from Warner Home Video June 15; see the first part of this report here), the chance to interview the film’s stars comes slowly but surely. Stationed in a huge tent rigged up for the cast and crew to eat lunch in, the gaggle of journalists here to visit the set are left to fend for themselves while the others go back to work.

With their truly deviant shocker SOMEONE’S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR currently in DVD release (see review here), director Chad Ferrin (pictured) and producer Rohan Ghodsi have their next feature ready to go. They’ll be shooting the long-mooted DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES this fall, and they’ll be doing it in 3-D.

It has been roughly six weeks since Valve Software released the first DLC for the Xbox 360/Windows PC’s LEFT 4 DEAD 2 (titled THE PASSING), giving players a chance to experience the “Weekly Mutations.” These are a new flavor of on-line game play added every Friday, and only available for a week at a time. The have proven pretty popular at the outset and provided great potential for replay value down the road, so I thought I’d share my thoughts about what has been put on the table to date.

Camp Motion Pictures gave Fango the first look and complete specs for its DVD release of SCULPTURE, the Screamkings/THR production starring scream starlets Raine Brown (pictured) and Misty Mundae. The disc streets October 12.

For a few months now, we’ve been feverishly plotting away at bringing Miskatonic’s dream of becoming a real bricks-and-mortar institution to fruition, and I’m happy to say that starting in July, that dream becomes a reality. Along with fellow Fango scribe David Bertrand, I’m opening a microcinema in Montreal, Canada called Blue Sunshine (after the Jeff Lieberman film, of course).

BABY JANE? may be the latest in the long string of recent remakes, but it’s not your typical redux. Written and directed by William Clift, it’s a take-off on the 1962 Gothic classic WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?—only with male actors (Matthew Martin and J. Conrad Frank) camping it up in drag in the roles originally portrayed by Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. And it is now ready for its coming-out party.

Larry Blamire, creator of the cult B-movie homage THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA, is back this year with both the sequel, THE LOST SKELETON RETURNS AGAIN, and a similar tribute to vintage chillers called DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. Both are coming August 17 on DVD from Shout! Factory (see details here), and both feature actor Daniel Roebuck, from LOST and BUBBA HO-TEP among others, in their casts.

Ever gone to a live event like the circus, a donkey show in Tijuana or Carrot Top? You might walk away a pretty happy customer for the ticket price, possibly recounting the events to your friends—“I can’t believe he was wearing a Hillary Clinton mask while riding that bearded lady!” (applies to all three)—and coercing them to see it in the future. Then down the road, you hit up the same venue hoping to recapture the magic, only to find that it’s still the same show, regardless of what subtle changes were added—“Instead of a Hillary mask, it was an iPod costume…I didn’t get it.” The friend may enjoy, they may not, but you feel cheated, even though the profiteering entertainer never intended to change up their act. Welcome to DEAD TO RIGHTS: RETRIBUTION.

Albuquerque, New Mexico…

There are several of us huddled in the tiny press tent, trying not to let the sandstorm outside frighten us, when the machine gun goes off. For the past 20 minutes, there has been no sound from outside other than relentless wind blasting sharp sand waves across the desert terrain. Gary Oldman just opened our tent’s flap, silently snapped a picture of us, then disappeared so quickly that I almost didn’t see the smirk on his face.