After years of chemical warfare, a poisoned planet Earth is now divided into two nations: The United Federation of Britain, home of the ruling class and dictator Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), and The Colony (a.k.a. Australia), where a proletariat workforce live crammed together in squalid conditions. Quaid (Colin Farrell) commutes daily from the tiny apartment in The Colony that he shares with wife Lori (Kate Beckinsale) to the UFB through a massive elevator called “The Fall” that pierces the center of the Earth at rocket speed.

Working away numbly at his assembly-line job, Quaid longs for the livelier existence of a secret agent, and heads to memory programmers Rekall to buy a taste of those experiences. While at Rekall, Quaid’s rewiring goes awry and inadvertently activates a dangerous secret concealed in the bowels of his brain. Now Quaid must go on the run alongside the mysterious Melina (Jessica Biel), fighting to unearth his true identity and purpose before Cohaagen’s forces close in and clean house.

TOTAL RECALL is UNDERWORLD and LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD director Len Wiseman’s take on the 1990 Schwarzenegger classic, both loosely based on the brief, comedic Philip K. Dick short story “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.” In addition to those two credited inspirations, RECALL 2012 boasts a bushel of additional recycled elements: The rain-slicked, neon Asian noir of BLADE RUNNER during the Colony scenes, soldiers stomping around in white plastic armor looking pretty darn similar to STAR WARS’ ubiquitous Stormtroopers, a hover-car chase resembling a similar one from a previous Dick adaptation featuring Farrell, MINORITY REPORT. Derivative as they might be, RECALL’s visuals are definitely of summer-blockbuster scope, and the film’s substantial budget is spread out on screen through a series of huge and detailed sets, augmented by some very smooth digital background artistry.

As for anything fresh, don’t believe the rumors that the 2012 version of RECALL might be a drastic overhaul hewing closer to Dick’s short story. It ends up restaging almost all of the previous film’s story beats, although the Mars setting and mutants have been excised (along with any trace of the original’s playful humor). Farrell and Biel adopt the new film’s overserious approach in their straightforward and somewhat bland performances, although a blitheringly basic, point A-to-point-B script by Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback offers them zero assistance. The talented lineup of supporting players, including DEVIL’s Bokeem Woodbine, STAR TREK’s John Cho and even high-billed villain Cranston (of TV’s BREAKING BAD) are wasted in what amount to little more than cameo appearances. In particular, SHAUN OF THE DEAD’s charismatic Bill Nighy is issued only a shamefully scant 20 lines or so of dialogue. Only Beckinsale as Lori, who turns out to be a lip-smacking baddie, looks like she’s having the least bit of fun; her lethal physicality and contemptuous hiss enveloped in a posh English accent electrify the movie whenever she’s in frame.

With its more inclusive PG-13 rating, this RECALL can’t hope to even knock on the original’s door in terms of astonishing heights of stylized violence (Come back to Hollywood, Paul Verhoeven! All is forgiven!). What the update’s action loses in shock factor, it makes up for in quantity; after the first 20 minutes, Quaid is rarely without someone punching, shooting or launching explosives at him. Wiseman’s action is sharply choreographed, with actors vaulting and swooping acrobatically in front of convincing greenscreened backdrops, yet still fairly dry and sterile. To be fair, Wiseman does stretch the confines of the PG-13 perhaps further than it has ever been taxed: Loads of salty language, a lofty body count, a bit of bottle-shard surgery in an alleyway and the welcome return of the tri-breasted prostitute have this film teetering tantalizingly into the realm of R.

As fun, muscular piffle, Verhoeven’s TOTAL RECALL won’t be enshrined in the Smithsonian anytime soon; still, most action fans look back upon the flick fondly, even with 22 years of dust on it. Sad to report, then, that this well-constructed yet stiff, safe and unnecessary RECALL remake is bound to fade from your memory in a considerably shorter period of time.

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