How can you go wrong with a campy, Gothic vampire soap opera that is composed almost entirely of hot, steamy guys who get naked at the drop of a hat? In the case of THE LAIR: The Complete Third Season, the answer is: You really can’t, at least not in this girl’s eyes.

My cable company doesn’t carry here!, the network that broadcasts this series. So while I have heard about this show about an all-male club where creatures of the night go to feed, I had not experienced it for myself prior to here! and E1’s two-DVD release.

Soap operas like this are only as good as their villains, and in this case there are a couple: Peter Stickles as Damian, the bloodsucker with a mortal boyfriend played by David Moretti, and Dylan Vox as the oh-so-deliciously evil Colin. Of course, with two alpha vamps around, you know there’s going to be a power struggle, and that drives the story forward through this 13-episode season. Other returnees include Frankie Valenti (who has made a number of all-male adult films under the name Johnny Hazzard) as Tim, a lost soul searching for love who’s not having much luck in that department. He does manage to attract newcomer Athos, played by Steven Hirschi, a dark, smoldering Greek god who perpetually wears sunglasses—because he happens to be the one male gorgon, and one look turns his enemies hard as stone. Get it? Hard as stone…

Trying to make sense of all the shenanigans is Colton Ford as Sherriff Trout. Ford has also made a number of all-male films and crosses over into new territory with THE LAIR. One other special guest newcomer is the legendary Sybil Danning, whois absolutely chilling as her character exacts her revenge on one of the vampires. Danning has a beautiful moment where she strokes a slave girl while administering torture; if there’s a season four of this series, and another slave girl is needed, I would like to volunteer to help out.

OK, the sex. There is a lot. What do you expect from a collection of horny vampires? The actors all have amazing bodies and don’t mind shedding their clothes so we can view their washboard abs, sculpted arms and legs and very firm backsides. Lots of backsides. There are no genitalia shots, as there’s always something discreetly covering the area. I’ve seen a lot worse late at night on certain cable packages, but these packages remain just out of view.

The acting rarely gets into believable territory, but remember, this is a soap opera. The dialogue takes some strange turns, and the plot twists come so fast and furious that it’s tricky to keep up. Thank goodness there’s usually another sex scene around the corner—or in the storeroom—to help you transition to the next story.

One problem with the DVD set is the lack of any special features. I would really like to have seen a collection of bloopers, or a behind-the-scenes peek at the filming. Give a camera to one of the actors (preferably Vox or Hirschi), and let them poke around the set. I’m a big believer in getting a little something extra.

Writer/producer/director Fred Olen Ray, who makes more campy movies in a year than most people see in a lifetime, has given us a wonderful guilty pleasure. Now that I’m hooked by season three, I’m heading to the video store to pick up the first two seasons.

SERIES: **1/2

DVD PACKAGE: **

 

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