Dinner and a movie. In the world of dating, is there a more perfect first date cliché? It is a situation that can provide the participants with the most important facts you should know about a potential mate- can they be taken out in public and what kind of movies do they like? But dating can be difficult for a devoted horror fan. And just to be clear, dinner and a movie does not consist of “Hey Baby, lets get drive thru and then go watch PUPPET MASTER at my place”. If you are as serious about this date as you are about horror films, then hopefully this article will get things off to the right start.

Rule number one- always chew with your mouth closed. That “seefood” joke died in middle school. Once you’ve mastered the first rule, it is time to move onto the second. Mention your love of horror and gage a response. If your date seems supportive- bonus! She might be turned on by your PUMPKINHEAD boxer briefs later. But, beware of getting too excited. As has happened many times in my dating history, by the time we even make it to the restaurant I’m already blathering on about some obscure horror topic like how the Cenobites should run the government. “Pinhead would be a great President. I mean, at least he served in active duty”. I’ve learned not all my dates are as into horror movies as I am. Nothing can produce a cold shower reaction more quickly than dropping a CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST reference before the appetizer.

Start the horrific conversations slowly, otherwise your date will be wondering if she will end the night making-out in your car’s back seat or locked in the trunk. Begin with a nice, “So do you like horror movies?” Then work your way up to “In SLEEPAWAY CAMP do you think Angela was born bad or just a construction of her environment?”

Now to select a movie while still being true to yourself and your filmic calling. Be forward about your love of horror movies; otherwise ten years from now you will be internally struggling because you want to see SAW 12: JIGSAW IN SPACE, but you must repress it and watch LIFETIME CHANNEL: THE MOVIE because your wife thinks you love Sandra Bullock just as much as she does. Be proud. Hold your fist up and scream “By the power of Craven, I am a horror geek”. Just wait until you leave the restaurant before doing so.

To select the perfect horror movie, begin by examining your date’s personality. Luckily, horror has a little something for everyone. Is this person an animal lover? How about CUJO or PET SEMETARY. An environmentalist will love THE LAST WINTER or THE HOST. Dancers might enjoy SUSPRIA. Does she like kids? You can’t go wrong with THEM (ILLS), THE BROOD, or VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED. Since politics are on everyone’s mind right now, may I suggest OMEN 3? And if she prefers a nice romantic movie (aka chic flick), you can’t miss with AUDITION.

It is also important to think about the content of the movie in general. Let’s assume that your main focus of the evening is not only a pleasant date, but hopefully a chance to let the Leprechaun to come out and play (notice how I didn’t go for the obvious ANACONDA or KING KONG reference). You have to stop and think about how content will affect “the mood”. Example- vampires are sexy 99% of the time. MARTIN and INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE- nuff said. Even PERFECT CREATURE in all its grittiness still has some major sex appeal. Avoid the TWILIGHT series if possible (see LIFETIME TV scenario above). Witches can be a decent route as well. A date once took me to see HAUNTING OF MORELLA.   This was kind of a weird version of an Edgar Allen Poe story, but it was filled to the brim with hot lesbian witches. Now, I’m not a lesbian, but those witch lesbians were friggin smoking hot! I was like one make-out scene away from ditching my date and trying to score with the popcorn girl.

Things that are not sexy- inbreed mutants. THE HILLS HAVE EYES is not the greatest make-out movie in the world, neither is WRONG TURN. It is hard to think about how awesome my date is while watching Ned, the inbreed lizard boy, cannibalize an entire Boy Scout troupe. Choose “scare” over “gore”. A thrilling scare can make you want to cling to that which is next to you, in this case your date. Gore makes you feel icky and more likely to grab your own intestines to make sure they are still where they should be. Don’t try to make out during HOSTEL. The mood isn’t there and your date will think you are about to eviscerate her with your car keys.

Now that you have selected your horror movie, beware of your behavior during the film. It is ok to cheer for Freddy, but don’t coach him through the killings. And don’t recite the entire movie out loud while it’s playing. Your astute ability to recite ARMY OF DARKNESS word-for-word does not necessarily make you a provider in her eyes. Maintain yourself and watch your date for reaction. If she begins responding to your Ash resuscitation with a near perfect Evil Ash reply, you may officially drop to one knee and present her with your WARLOCK ring of devotion.

And don’t forget, when all else fails, there are always certain women you can pay to do anything, including sit through the entire WITCHCRAFT and SHARK ATTACK series. But remember, you may have to pay extra to play “the popcorn game”.

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