Sure, we all know about Satan. Ruler of hell, punisher of sinners, pitchforks, fire, and general all around big meanie. But Satan seems to have a soft spot when it comes to making babies. He is always trying to populate the world with little snot nosed brats of pure evil. As FANGORIA salutes Father’s Day and horror film fathers, we give a nod to the most evil dad of them all. Skip the love, forget the marriage, here comes Satan with a baby carriage…
THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE (1997)
Al Pacino (Satan) takes Keanu Reeves under his wing at a demonic law firm. Oh, big shock, the devil is a lawyer, and in a Star Wars-like twist he also turns out to Reeves’s daddy. Al Pacino: I’m your father and the devil. Who-hah! Keanu Reeves: You’re my father and the devil? Whoa!
ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968)
A woman in New York’s Upper West Side gives birth to Satan’s baby. Believe me, in that neighborhood, the kid will blend right in.
END OF DAYS (1999)
Satan (Gabriel Byrne) has traveled to New York City to find a bride, and it is up to Arnold Schwarzenegger to blah blah big explosion blah blah car chase scene blah “It’s not a tumor” blah blah “I like you, I kill you last” blah California.
THE OMEN (1976)
A quick switch at birth causes Gregory Peck and his wife to end up raising the son of Satan. They name the kid Damian, and no one is the wiser till a few years later when Damian goes all demonic. What did they expect when they named their kid Damian? Why not just name him Timmy “Lord of Darkness and Consumer of Souls” Smith?
LA SETTA/THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER (1991)
La Setta, also called The Devils Daughter, also called The Sect, also called Demons 4 is written by the great Dario Argento. The film features a satanic group who, under Beelzebub’s command, decides to entrance a young school teacher and force her to give birth to Satan’s baby. Apparently, the “entrancing the school teacher” decision was far easier than deciding on a name for their movie.
SATAN is so bad-ass, when he plays drums - he rocks the triple bass!
GHOST RIDER (2007)
It must be hard to find a flame resistant helmet for the flaming skull of Nicholas Cage. He plays a vigilante searching for Satan’s son (Blackheart) who is trying to take over daddy’s domain in Ghost Rider, one of the many new films based on a comic book. Just wait till next summer when they release Family Circus: the Movie. I mean, who’s not gonna see that one? Not me.
PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)A group of college students experiment with a strange liquid-filled smoking cylinder which contains the essence of Satan himself. Satan turns out to be the son of an even more mean Anti-God, a bad ass mutha set for world domination. You know this one time in college, I experimented with a strange liquid-filled smoking cylinder, and I nearly didn’t graduate.
THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (1987)
Jack Nicholson portrays the devil and has sex with three different women who at the end are all pregnant with his babies. How is this different from any other day for Jack?
THE REAPING (2007)
Satan impregnates Hillary Swank through the body of David Morrissey. Though apparently into “role-playing”, in addition to getting action for his lil’ Beelze-bobber, he brings along the apocalypse with swarms of insects, blood-like water, and bizarre skin lesions. Using these indications, the apocalypse is also occurring in my apartment.
LITTLE NICKY (2000)
Satan (played by Harvey Keitel) sends his son Nicky (played by Adam Sandler) to save the kingdom of hell with the cunning use of really annoying voices, excessive poop jokes, prat falls, and pineapples.
Comments (3)
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|2009-06-23 03:36:45 kylie
been to hell and back to see how far it is so many times i need a rest so god put the kettle on
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|2009-06-22 01:26:47 Dawn Nevills
....so...I take it the singing voices got to go to Heaven?
I hope they booked ahead. And does this mean pineapples are evil, or just wanting to eat them?
This is so complicated, isn't it? Can't I just be saved, and eat fruit without checking first? Does this apply to all lunch sized pieces, or just spiked band fruit? Does this denote evilness, or should I look out for anything that might be, as it were, a possible "fruit zit?"
Is this different from a blemish, or dent, or is this just specific to apples?
Does this mean I'm gay? I may have to stop eating muffins, too, if this is so. Sigh. Dammit. Carrot's my favourite. Should it be raisin, or is this too multi grained?
I'm worried, and need direction, immediately. Both Florida and Hawaii's breakfast economy hang in the balance.
Thanks.
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